you ask, i'll tell

I have been asked why I am not blogging as much, and this is my answer: I don't know if its my medication or just life, but I have been sort of withdrawn. You wouldn't know it to watch me on Facebook, but I just am. I am sober today, but haven't stayed sober the entire time since my journey began. I believe I have drank 4 times in the last 45 days. That is actually very good for me. I am waiting for my last batch of bloodwork to come back. If staying strong sober for 30 days didn't change my liver levels than I will have to take more serious measures. Its all good though. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon so I will do whatever it takes to be around for the next 50 years, if nothing else but to kick Tom's ass......later

I love me

well after 41 days, I have drank 3 times. I guess that is a huge accomplishment even if I'm not completely sober. I have to do what's best for me on my terms, and no one elses. I thank God for not leaving my side, and for loving me unconditionally. Now I must do the same.

kinda quiet

Yes, its possible for me to be quiet. Gasp! I think I am taking me time and mixing it with a little bit of Mike and really reflecting on how lucky I am. Just sayin....

new road

I have decided that instead of a sobriety count I'm just not going to drink today. I'll worry about not drinking tomorrow, tomorrow. I guess that is what one day at a time means. I really need to make it much less difficult than I do.

Its rainy outside but its beautiful because i'm alive and sober.

March 12, 2010

I'm having a wonderful Friday evening with Mike. It has been very enlightening. Makes me wonder who I should be friends with and I shouldn't. I love my friends and I love my boyfriend even more! Goodnight everybody!

Day 2 again ~ to all my peeps

You know its funny; I have had a headache ever since replapsing the other night. Either its a sign from God or I have a coincidental sinus infection that just happened to start when I should be hungover.

I want you to know that I am thankful for your friendship and support and I couldn't take it one day at a time without you.

31-1

Okay, I'm starting this thing again. I am not going to start my count over, just show my wins and losses. Hopefully last night will be my last loss. Waking up this morning I am not as ashamed of myself as I thought I would be. I think because I had it stuck in my head that my friends would leave me if I failed. I think I was hard enough on myself for everyone. Thanks for listening.

for those of you that follow with subscription....

31-1....

I am a coward and I gave in to the temptation.

I hope that those of you who put faith in me will still follow to give me encouragement.

I still think that I will have 10:13 tattooed to my ****

Please dont leave me, I need you.

Theresa

31-0

I don't know if its because I passed the 30 day mark, but today I fought a seriously hard battle with my inner demons, and almost gave in. First it was get bourbon and share it was Mike then it was just get one bottle of wine, just to get rid of the craving. Then I would think about how I would wake up the next morning and feel like shit, but that thought didn't last long until the next negative temptation shoved its way into my mind.

I drove past the ABC store on pantops en route to Food Lion, 1 obstacle. I could still buy my absolute favorite wine in Food Lion......getting out of the car.....walking down the parking lot towards FL........BAM! I see my reflection in the window. Yes I have lost 14 pounds but I still waddle like a 7 month pregnant woman. I was reminded that with just one sip, even if I kept it to myself, I have let down me, you, God, and most of all ME.

I am thankful to be home right now, safe from any alcohol temptation. Thank you God for helping me through that fight. I fear the day will come that I slip, and if it happens will my support be gone? And you know what? That is the alcoholic in me asking you to say you will support me, giving me permission to slip. At least I'm able to admit that. Maybe it is time to go back to AA.

30 days sober

Have you ever heard an audience in your head cheering you on when you have succeeded in something great? I am hearing that applause right now. I made it to Day 30. Wow! Hard to believe, but it goes to show that I can fight against my greatest downfalls, and as long as I remember to do it One Day At A Time! Til later......

Day 29

I have had too many cravings for wine today. Dear God, please give me strength to continue with my journey and stay on the path of sobriety.

Dinner- waitress puts a big ole bottle of wine on the table and asks if anyone would like some. Well yes, yes I would, but can I? Should I? NO

CVS- going down the chip isle, my favorite wine sitting right next to the chips. Really? In the grocery store they would be on the opposite side of the store.

God, why must you test me?

.......night 29, almost 30 days......to be continued...

Night 28 - Depression but rear its ugly head every once in a while

I must have too much invested in my love of Women's Virginia Basketball because when they lose, I feel like the world has just come to an end. I can only assume this is because of my depression, but this too shall pass.......28 days, not so shabby (silver lining on this disappointing loss).

Night 27 ~ To my dear friend P. F.

You are crying for help. That is the first step. Now you have to embrace it. I am only on day 27, but I'm in a place that I haven't been in years. You can do it, but you have to do it for you. You deserve the best for yourself. You are strong. You are worth it!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Tonight, I say this for myself and for you.

Love, T

Day 26, on vacation

.....well Mini Vacation, that is. Heading to Greensboro tomorrow for the UVA Women's Basketball tourney with my parents and Haylie. I have so much to do including write an Essay that is due Sunday, and study for a mid-term due on the 13th. I am planning on going to the gym today to do another kick ass "non" step class, but part of my brain is trying to talk the other part out of going. Not so much to the gym, but to the class. I hate those inner demons. They aren't successfully pressuring to to drink so they think they can tell me not to do something that is actually good for me. Well, i'm not listening. As long as I can get out of here in time, I'm going to the non-step class (step class, but I don't use the step because i'm extremely out of shape) and work my ass off.......lata

25 days

I had a stressful morning dealing with other peoples problems. It stressed me out enough to want to drink, but I let that pass. I think the only time that I get really effected by the desire is when I see a bottle or glass of wine. I don't think that will ever go away....maybe subside, but never ever go away.

Good night 24th day of sobriety

I can't believe it has been 24 days. It seems like forever ago when I started this journey. Why did it take hepatitis to accomplish this? I'll never know.....not much to say today. Just tired, and for the most part life is good......to be continued >>>>>>>>>day 25

Night 23 - other problems need resolving

So, Mike and I go to the movies this evening and when we get out I have a voicemail waiting for me. Haylie has called to say that her dad wants me to pick her up. Tom and Julie are fighting again. Again, Really?? When do they not fight? When does my poor Haylie have time to be a 10-year-old child? She is blamed by Julie for "taking sides". She is afraid of her father therefore she feels she must take sides. Its a double edged sword that she must deal with every time she stays with her father. I asked her if she feels safe with me. She said yes. I asked her how she feels when she is with her dad and Julie when they are fighting. She said she feels broken. What a very sad, but very thoughtful feeling for a 10-year-old.

I can't believe that I had a child with such a narcissistic, immature, despicable man, and that Haylie has to endure him and everything about him 50% of the time. Time will take care of everything. In the meantime, God, please watch over my daughter and keep her wits about her and not be influenced by her father.

Day 22 ouch my legs hurt and some other words..

Yesterday when I did my much needed workout, I did the elliptical for 30 minutes. I went through a period of extreme sprinting. Today, after standing on my feet for 8 hours, OUCH. I'm feeling it now.

Mike and I had a long talk today about my drinking. Its hard for him to understand that I'm an alcoholic, but he will do whatever it takes to help me through this. Its hard for me to understand how someone who doesn't have a drinking problem can just have one drink, but I realize that I can't expect everyone to quit drinking around me. He called to ask me if it was okay for him to drink while he was working on his truck. He #1 wanted to ask even though I wasn't even home, and #2 wanted to make sure that I would be okay if when I got home he had had a few. Every day that goes by he shows me something that makes me wonder how I lived my whole life with the likes of Tom Spangler. I thank God every day for the opportunity to experience a real, but very normal relationship.

I am filled with humility by all of this but reminded of how lucky I am to have such a great support system. To God, Mike, my parents, and all of my friends thank you!

Day 21 ~ sick and tired

I'm pretty sure I have deleted everyone that wants to talk about me to people associated with Charlottesville Catholic School, but in case I haven't, don't be a coward. If you have something to share, tell me and I'll relay it to whomever you please......with that said......

I am 34 years old. I am the youngest mom in Haylies 5th grade class; according to Haylie, and I can't believe that there are people who are 40 something, tattling at CCS. Really??? Do you have nothing better to do then tell people what I say on my Facebook? I have the right to my own opinion and I certainly have the right to say whatever I want on my Facebook without being told to edit, delete, or simply not say anything at all. My Facebook motto is if you don't like it DELETE ME! I guess I'm still pissed off about that.....but whatever.....

For the first time all week, I wanted to drink tonight. I even told Mike that he could buy himself a bottle, just to see if I was strong enough to say no. He said he would like to by a small bottle but he won't because he loves me. Wow! What devotion!

I was even thinking to myself, I could get some pot from somewhere and get the same high. LOL First- I don't smoke pot, Second- One addiction should not be replaced with another.

So instead, I am looking forward to going to the gym for my daily workout. This will be the 4th day in a row. That means I am in the zone. Thank God.

Thank God also for this blog and those of you who read it because I think I have released my negative energy; at least most of it, until the next time........

Day 20 - Eating observations

Well since I was on the north side of Charlottesville at lunchtime I decided I was going to get my lunch at Chick Fil A. That would normally consist of a #5 which is a choice of 8 or 12 nuggets (I get 12) and it comes with fries in a drink. I always value size this combo and request ranch and polynesian dipping sauces. Well I have lost 14 pounds so for once my mind took over instead of my stomach. I thought to myself, "self, you have yogurt at the office. All you need is a main course, not a whole meal". So I went to the Chick Fil A drive thru not exactly knowing what I would get, but I knew at the very least I could get just a pack of chicken nuggets. I was reminded as I looked at the menu that they have a chicken salad sandwich. BINGO!! That is what I got. After eating, i'm quite satisfied, and I proved to myself that I not only have will power, but my mind isn't so bad :-D

To acknowledge my main struggle - 20 days sober. Enough said, for now....