Night 23 - other problems need resolving

So, Mike and I go to the movies this evening and when we get out I have a voicemail waiting for me. Haylie has called to say that her dad wants me to pick her up. Tom and Julie are fighting again. Again, Really?? When do they not fight? When does my poor Haylie have time to be a 10-year-old child? She is blamed by Julie for "taking sides". She is afraid of her father therefore she feels she must take sides. Its a double edged sword that she must deal with every time she stays with her father. I asked her if she feels safe with me. She said yes. I asked her how she feels when she is with her dad and Julie when they are fighting. She said she feels broken. What a very sad, but very thoughtful feeling for a 10-year-old.

I can't believe that I had a child with such a narcissistic, immature, despicable man, and that Haylie has to endure him and everything about him 50% of the time. Time will take care of everything. In the meantime, God, please watch over my daughter and keep her wits about her and not be influenced by her father.

Day 22 ouch my legs hurt and some other words..

Yesterday when I did my much needed workout, I did the elliptical for 30 minutes. I went through a period of extreme sprinting. Today, after standing on my feet for 8 hours, OUCH. I'm feeling it now.

Mike and I had a long talk today about my drinking. Its hard for him to understand that I'm an alcoholic, but he will do whatever it takes to help me through this. Its hard for me to understand how someone who doesn't have a drinking problem can just have one drink, but I realize that I can't expect everyone to quit drinking around me. He called to ask me if it was okay for him to drink while he was working on his truck. He #1 wanted to ask even though I wasn't even home, and #2 wanted to make sure that I would be okay if when I got home he had had a few. Every day that goes by he shows me something that makes me wonder how I lived my whole life with the likes of Tom Spangler. I thank God every day for the opportunity to experience a real, but very normal relationship.

I am filled with humility by all of this but reminded of how lucky I am to have such a great support system. To God, Mike, my parents, and all of my friends thank you!

Day 21 ~ sick and tired

I'm pretty sure I have deleted everyone that wants to talk about me to people associated with Charlottesville Catholic School, but in case I haven't, don't be a coward. If you have something to share, tell me and I'll relay it to whomever you please......with that said......

I am 34 years old. I am the youngest mom in Haylies 5th grade class; according to Haylie, and I can't believe that there are people who are 40 something, tattling at CCS. Really??? Do you have nothing better to do then tell people what I say on my Facebook? I have the right to my own opinion and I certainly have the right to say whatever I want on my Facebook without being told to edit, delete, or simply not say anything at all. My Facebook motto is if you don't like it DELETE ME! I guess I'm still pissed off about that.....but whatever.....

For the first time all week, I wanted to drink tonight. I even told Mike that he could buy himself a bottle, just to see if I was strong enough to say no. He said he would like to by a small bottle but he won't because he loves me. Wow! What devotion!

I was even thinking to myself, I could get some pot from somewhere and get the same high. LOL First- I don't smoke pot, Second- One addiction should not be replaced with another.

So instead, I am looking forward to going to the gym for my daily workout. This will be the 4th day in a row. That means I am in the zone. Thank God.

Thank God also for this blog and those of you who read it because I think I have released my negative energy; at least most of it, until the next time........

Day 20 - Eating observations

Well since I was on the north side of Charlottesville at lunchtime I decided I was going to get my lunch at Chick Fil A. That would normally consist of a #5 which is a choice of 8 or 12 nuggets (I get 12) and it comes with fries in a drink. I always value size this combo and request ranch and polynesian dipping sauces. Well I have lost 14 pounds so for once my mind took over instead of my stomach. I thought to myself, "self, you have yogurt at the office. All you need is a main course, not a whole meal". So I went to the Chick Fil A drive thru not exactly knowing what I would get, but I knew at the very least I could get just a pack of chicken nuggets. I was reminded as I looked at the menu that they have a chicken salad sandwich. BINGO!! That is what I got. After eating, i'm quite satisfied, and I proved to myself that I not only have will power, but my mind isn't so bad :-D

To acknowledge my main struggle - 20 days sober. Enough said, for now....

Day 19 - The dreams have started

I just want to say that even though I didn't blog yesterday, I'm still sober. I feel like if I don't maintain a daily blog then people might think i've fallen off the wagon. That isn't the case, but I must have felt guilty about not sharing because I had a dream last night that I drank wine. It took me a minute when I woke up to realize if I actually was still sober. I remember in my dream thinking I wouldn't tell anyone and continue with my sobriety count as if nothing occurred. I have done this before in real life. It is the beginning of the end when that happens. I want to thank God that when I woke up it was just a dream. I really belive that not only am I sober because of my hepatitis, but that I have made a lifestyle change. I think that this is it. I can't get cocky though, because that is when my demons get in the way. I'm in a good place right now. I have lost 14 pounds, my double chin isn't so prominent :) and I eat better. I don't try to talk myself out of going to the gym. I'm not a gym rat, but I plan to go when I plan to go and I go! I am up to 20 minutes on the eliptical (spelling) and 4 laps around the track (1/4 mile) AND my goal now is not to lose weight but to be able to cross my legs like skinny people when they sit down! LOL this is funny but if I could do that again, I would be very happy. So anyway, i'm surviving and my struggle is having its reality checks here and there. I'm okay with that because without them I may not be able to do it. PEACE

Day 17 ~ Second post today....kinda rough

I decided today that after 6 years at Charlottesville Catholic School, Haylie will not be attending next year. It has been a huge struggle for the past few years, going through the divorce. Haylie has suffered so much through all of the bullshit, and this year has been the roughest. There is no communication from her teachers. I don't find out anything until its too late. I have requested conferences from her school with no response. I'm just so sick of worrying about whether or not she is "ready" for middle school. I am also tired of worrying about tuition increase that is promised not to go up, and every year it does. I'm tired of being asked to put in time to volunteer when I don't have the time and the same people are asked over and over again. Haylie has been wanting to go to public school for a couple of years now and though its going to be a huge adjustment for her, I feel its the best decision for her and hopefully it will be one that I don't regret. Thats all for now.....Peace

Day 17 ~ Lost a friend

well today a very good friend of mine decided to choose the path of certainty and comfort, yet very ugly and bound to hurt her in the end. what can I do about it? nothing! I guess I have to face the fact that no matter what, I can't make everyone happy and I can't fix everybodies problems. This post has nothing to do with my struggle but I wanted to share because losing this friend saddens me and knowing what she can't see really is a hard thing to swallow. I can only hope that one day she will open her eyes and realize that she is worth it and she deserves so much better. Unfortunately, I may not care anymore.....it hurts to care....it hurts to watch those you love ignore the red flags....sometimes its just easier to walk away....

Day 16 ~ This is really happening

There is nothing better than waking up in the morning without a struggle. Getting out of bed after the alarm going off one time, not hitting the snooze button. I'm finding that I really wasn't as functional as an active alcoholic as I thought. I would have trouble getting up after a night of drinking, sometimes being a zombie throughout the next day.

I got up this morning and went to church and joined my parents for breakfast. Haylie and I went to the gym and hung around town until dinner, again with my parents. Not only am I sober, I am able to follow a routine with meals. I was not just an alcoholic, but an alcoholic and binge eater. Before heading to the gym I really wanted a candy bar, but my mind (the positive thinking side) told me I'm only going to work off the calories of that candy bar when I could be working of calories from breakfast; a necessary meal of the day. In addition, at the mall Haylie wanted a strawberry smoothie. I was going to use that as an excuse for me to get an ice cream cone. That was after the gym and my mind (again, the positive thinking side) told me, your workout would be for nothing.

So you see, there is more to my alcoholism. I associate drinking with eating, and with being sober comes good health and weight loss. I have two goals now. Stay sober and lose weight.

FYI-I use alcoholic in the past tense form, but I want to make it very clear; I am an alcoholic, and I always will be, but I speak about it through past experiences. I hope that a year from now I will be calling myself a recovering alcoholic.

Long day ~ Day 15 ~ Still Sober

I don't have much to say today. I am really tired after working all day, but I'm feeling great otherwise. I do have to report that when I was in the grocery store this evening, Haylie almost knocked over a bottle of my favorite wine. I wonder if that is a sign...... Happy Saturday evening everyone!!

Day 14 TGIF

Yesterday was a wonderful day! I was in the best mood all day long. After work I went to the gym and the plan was to head to the grocery store and head home. At some point after working out I started to feel like throwing up. I made it to the grocery store only to go straight to the bathroom. Luckily I didn't lose it, but I didn't feel well enough to get dinner so I went home. By the time I got there I was feeling better, but extremely tired. I helped Mike clean out the guest room and we headed to the couch for evening television.

The point of this story is - not once did I think about drinking yesterday, not a single time. It goes to show that once you put your mind to something, you can do anything. I didn't have a choice in the matter, and I don't think I would be here if I did, but I don't care what the reason is I am so grateful to God, Mike and my friends who have supported me and will continue to support me through this.

I put on a pair of jeans this morning that used to cut me in the waist. Now they just make my butt look less like a diaper and more form fitting. Happy Friday.....

Day 13 - Its a beautiful day

It is sunny outside on this 18th day of February and I am 13 days sober.

I went to the gym yesterday, and even though my work out could have been longer it still helped me cope with any desire I may have had to drink. I went home with a good exhaustion and Mike and I (mostly Mike) made dinner. Though I may not be/have as much fun as I was/did when I was drinking, I can sit through a movie and remember it the next day AND I wake up feeling great.

There seems to be only one time of the day that the desire is the strongest and that is around 2pm in the afternoon when I am at work counting the minutes to leave. I associate drinking with certain things and getting past that is the hardest. I'm learning though that drinking may not be an addiction but more a bad habit. Someone recently told me to replace 1 bad habit with 2 good ones. Well, that seems realistic, right? Blogging is one of my good habits, and I guess I need to find another, but either way, I'm sober! One day at a time.....

First Day of Lent - Day 12

FOR LENT: I'm not giving up Facebook or meat or chocolate or chewing gum, not my cell phone or my computer or my sex life. I am giving up alcohol. I already gave it up 12 days ago. If it were up to me I would give up something else, but I had no say in the matter this time.

I don't have Haylie tonight so I know that the evil vs. good will start battling in my head before too long, but I keep reminding myself, I don't have a choice and HEY, i'm losing weight. I woke up this morning, put my freshly washed jeans on and they weren't tight. In fact, they were quite loose.

more later....

Inspirational words, not just for me but for some of my dear friends.....Day 11

http://www.homewithgod.com/Cards/holdon.shtml

Happy Valentines day, day 9

What a day! I started my day by going to church. I have only recently started going back on a regular basis. Thank God for that. He is alway around, but he really makes his presence known when I need him and don't know it. I may or may not listen when I go to church but I do pray. I release myself of any tension I may have for one reason or another and the end result is usually tears streaming down my face. That is such a great feeling. Its so comforting to know that no matter what I do, God will always be there to carry me through.

Today I prayed to keep me strong. Day 9 was a great day. It only became difficult when we went to the grocery store and everywhere I turned there was wine. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks. I love drinking wine. Well I love drinking, but the ABC stores are closed on Sundays so I didn't have to face that problem. Anyway, knowing that I can't drink because of my hepatitis I didn't even tempt fate by going through the whole "one time won't hurt" argument I have every day. Later in the car, Mike and I talked about it and my question to him was how to become a person who drinks moderately. Obviously if I have to ask that question I have a drinking problem, which of course I already know.

The next 2 days I have Haylie.....there won't be too much stressing and by day 12 I will be 3 days stronger.....To be cont...

To conclude day 8

I am finally home after an extremely long day! I am glad to be home and in bed and sober once again. I really wanted to drink tonight, but I knew that it would not only be unfair to myself, but to Mike who is sacrificing his pleasure of drinking on occasion so that I don't get tempted. On to day 9.....goodnight until tomorrow.

Day 8

Well I have been at work all day....still here until 4:30. I just wanted to make sure I wrote in my "journal" before I get home which won't be until 11 or so tonight.

I was really surprised about all of the comments I received about putting myself out there which I really don't see it that way at all. If anyone asked me if I was an alcoholic I would absolutely admit it, but the problem I get is that most people don't believe me. So to lull the surprised out there, I am at peace with this acknowledgement. Now all I have to do is conquer it.

With that said, yesterday was quite tough mentally. I did a lot of thinking about going home and drinking. I knew I couldn't but I was scared that I would. I woke up this morning after having a dream about drinking. I remember in my dream thinking that I couldn't remember drinking but I had been told that I was drunk. The last time I woke with such a relief was the time I stayed sober for 7 months. I hope this is a good sign.....day 8 to be cont.....

Day 7 of sobriety

I know I should have started this 7 days ago, but better late than never. That is usually my way of acting. Always later, always the procrastinator.

I am 7 days sober. Why? Not because I want to be, not completely anyway. I have sat here, at my desk every one of these 7 days wishing for an evening of wine and slurred speach, spinning memories and blackouts. My name is Theresa and I am an alcoholic......

I recently found out, 5 days ago, that I have alcoholic hepatitis. Who me? YES ME! How does one do that to oneself? I tell ya, I never thought it would be me. I have known for a very long time that I have a drinking problem. I have been to AA meetings, online alcoholic help groups, church...I even sobered up for 7 months straight. Well it turns out, after 8 years of being almost consistantly a heavy drinker, I now have liver damage. I now have hepatitis.

So that brings me to day 7. It is Friday, February 12, and I am at work thinking about drinking. A normal Friday without child would consist of good food and drink, getting that awesome buzz that is only set off completely by smoking a cigarette. On this 7th day of my sobriety I am instead going to go home and figure out something else. I can make it through yet another day of sobriety......to be continued